This Weekend
Jun. 30th, 2017 01:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
delyverence This weekend, Chris and I are going to Nashville fora wedding (apologies in advance to y'all...I am only getting time to see a precious few people because the wedding and a visit from mom are going to take big chunks of time). While I am excited to come visit, I mostly just feel a little weird about it. Why? I'm not exactly sure. The first few days will involve a lot of wedding stuff, and since these are Chris's friends, it's going to be a LOT of them sitting around talking about work. I venture to say that the only thing anyone will say to me is "so how are you liking the Cape?" at which point I will smile awkwardly and think of something positive to say, like how nice the weather is or how holidays in New England look like stereotypical holidays: the leaves are orange at Halloween, there's snow at Christmas, there are lilies at Easter. In Tennessee, you get changing leaves a bit late and lilies a bit early and it could be 70 degrees at Christmas for all anyone knows. So I will spend multiple days trying to focus on the positive about a place for which I don't have much love. I'd leave tomorrow if you gave me a place to go and a magical team of movers who could pack everything with an I Dream of Jeannie blink.
And I will do that, think of nice things to say, while pretending I'm not missing Nashville (and, more importantly, the people in it) A LOT. It's been a year and I still feel like I was plunked down into someone else's life where I don't belong. I miss my people, my gym, my community college almost as much as I did on day one, only now there's no sense of adventure and optimism. "It's early! You'll get used to it! Go Explore!" Has become "shouldn't we feel better about this after a year?" and "I don't know if I'll ever get used to it" and "there's nothing out there. I looked."
I'm also even more nervous about having to make polite conversation with people because it's gotten even harder than it already was for me to talk to random people. I've never been good at it, but now I REALLY have nothing to say (because I don't have anything going on and don't know many people) and I think I'm talking too quietly because people keep making that "straining to hear you" face when I talk. I am legit not very interesting. What is my life but going to work and taking walks.
So I can just focus on movies we saw, or places we ate in Toronto or shows we're into. Neutral topics. Hey, have you been watching Glow? Because it is hilarious!
But I am definitely bothered by the underpinnings of that. Wanting to talk about food and TV shows not because those are probably way more interesting for the listener anyway, but because I don't feel like anything I'm doing is interesting at all. I mean, it's my life and I'm bored by it. This week's big news was that I finally found a place to get a pedicure that didn't have anybody on Yelp being horrified by the cleanliness of the place. It's been two days and I don't have flesh-eating bacteria, so FIVE STARS.
Fucking Mayberry-assed bullshit. Fuck this place.
I feel alone, I have nothing going on, I literally feel like I am wasting my life, but the weather's nice and there's lots of good seafood. Note to self: leave off the beginning of that sentence at parties.
And I will do that, think of nice things to say, while pretending I'm not missing Nashville (and, more importantly, the people in it) A LOT. It's been a year and I still feel like I was plunked down into someone else's life where I don't belong. I miss my people, my gym, my community college almost as much as I did on day one, only now there's no sense of adventure and optimism. "It's early! You'll get used to it! Go Explore!" Has become "shouldn't we feel better about this after a year?" and "I don't know if I'll ever get used to it" and "there's nothing out there. I looked."
I'm also even more nervous about having to make polite conversation with people because it's gotten even harder than it already was for me to talk to random people. I've never been good at it, but now I REALLY have nothing to say (because I don't have anything going on and don't know many people) and I think I'm talking too quietly because people keep making that "straining to hear you" face when I talk. I am legit not very interesting. What is my life but going to work and taking walks.
So I can just focus on movies we saw, or places we ate in Toronto or shows we're into. Neutral topics. Hey, have you been watching Glow? Because it is hilarious!
But I am definitely bothered by the underpinnings of that. Wanting to talk about food and TV shows not because those are probably way more interesting for the listener anyway, but because I don't feel like anything I'm doing is interesting at all. I mean, it's my life and I'm bored by it. This week's big news was that I finally found a place to get a pedicure that didn't have anybody on Yelp being horrified by the cleanliness of the place. It's been two days and I don't have flesh-eating bacteria, so FIVE STARS.
Fucking Mayberry-assed bullshit. Fuck this place.
I feel alone, I have nothing going on, I literally feel like I am wasting my life, but the weather's nice and there's lots of good seafood. Note to self: leave off the beginning of that sentence at parties.
